Finding my way at FORTY (two)

Does your soul ever feel unraveled?

My soul came undone this week like a skien of yarn. One pick of thread led to a full blown come apart.  Maybe it is 50 days of  quarantine coming out from every angle. Maybe it’s hormones. We can blame everything on hormones.

But most likely it is a mix of the two coupled with a soul nudge from the Holy Spirit.

A few incidentals this week caused me to take a sobering look at 1) who I know I am in Christ and 2) what people experience when they do life with me.  And I had the gut wrenching realization that those two don’t always match.

Have you heard it said to envision your Eulogy and live life backwards?

What would you want said at your funeral? What impact did you make for the Kingdom? How did you make others feel? What legacy did you leave?  Did others feel known, seen and loved by you? Did your life make others want to love Jesus more?

This week left me fearful that my Eulogy would sound more like this….

“Becky was super busy and loved to exercise. She woke early to be with the Lord, but was easily distracted by emails, Instagram and her to-do list. She had three boys, a husband and side hustle in sales. She was passionate about people but honestly people often felt a little forgotten by her.  She was bad at remembering birthdays and recalling names but was super fun at dinner parties….”

Now I know I am being harsh here… but at one point this week these words felt true. And in part, sometimes are.  However, all self-condemnation aside, this is a good exercise for all of us.

To take the time to write it out, read it over and possibly rewrite the whole thing. Rewrite your Eulogy.

And live from there.

We are all gifted differently …. and I know my strengths don’t lean towards slow prayerful mornings and feeding the homeless. Although those things are amazing, much needed and yes, I DO THEM… my strengths are found most commonly in encouragement and exhortation and getting people in motion.

It’s important to know where we are strong and how the Lord can use us for His Kingdom. Not shaming ourselves for what we AREN’T but operating in how we ARE. Seeking growth in our deficiencies but not being defined by them.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Paul writes, And then the Lord said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for My power is being perfected [ it shows itself most effectively] in your weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

So although I teetered on a little self-loathing this week – being more bothered than boastful in my weaknesses – the Lord is reminding me that he DOES have me on mission for Him and wrestling with how I am spending my life is a good thing.

Our weaknesses are an invitation to the Father for His Mercy and Power to be operative. Wow.  Deficiencies are areas for grace and growth not shame and self-disgust. So breathe deeply….

So – today I am asking the Lord, “What are my gifts? What are my weaknesses? Where can I grow? Where do I need more of your grace? Have I sinned against others? Do I need to seek forgiveness? Show me where to start.”

Finding my way, still, at forty-two. And that is ok.


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