A Raw Look At My Heart

This post won’t be pretty. Or funny. Or poetic.

Today’s blog is a bit raw and quick. A look into where we’ve been the past 72 hours.

Mamaw has had her lowest of lows the past few days. Sunday morning I went to see her. Her color was ash, her skin was cold to touch and extremely clammy. She was slow to respond. Glazed.

Sounds like death to me.

I was terrified.

Come to find out she was severely anemic and in need of blood. So… two units later, she started to perk up. Praise Jesus.

But the blood did not eliminate her confusion and slow response. And her pain. Oh my word, her pain.

Major major major back surgery for anyone. Throw ninety years on top of that and bad things can happen. And lots of those bad things did. More details I won’t go into.

But you know what? I saw the Lord deliver that sweet woman. I have seen the favor of the Lord rest upon her. Upon her room. Upon her care. And upon each nurse…and by the way, if you are a nurse…I love you.

Her doctor – amazing. Brent said, “I don’t even need surgery, and I want him to operate on me.”

But still, the past two days I have sat in the chair beside her bed. Tears rolling down my face. Crying uncontrollably at times, just so sad to see this woman, who I love so much, suffer and struggle. It is a helpless feeling.

And I could feel my spirit start to sink. The darkness of her circumstances were a harsh reality. My heart grew very faint.

I felt very alone in that room with her.

But by God’s grace, I would be reminded of my ‘”people”… my praying people.

Who, by today’s technology, are just a text away.

I sent several this weekend.

I know people say, “I felt your prayers for me” and maybe they mean it. But I really mean it.

I didn’t just “feel” the prayers. I watched them come to pass.

E V E R Y single prayer – answered.

Two passages have been life to me this weekend.

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever. Psalm 138:8

The Lord doesn’t only make things “good” that concern Mamaw. He perfects them. Isn’t that good?

And yesterday as I sat and prayed, I honestly confessed to Him, “Lord, I just feel so alone.”

Within a millisecond He replied, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isiah 41:10

Aww, such a sweet word from Him. I am never alone. He is always with me. Even in that cold, sterile room – He is with me. I have nothing to fear. I have no reason to be discouraged. He is my God. He is upholding us. He is upholding Mamaw.

This morning I can say, Glory to God…Mamaw is doing much better. Miraculously so.

And as for me, I am much better. Encouraged. Strengthened by His Word. Comforted by His presence.

Please continue to pray. I am so thankful for the readers of this blog. So thankful for your prayers and encouragement. I haven’t replied to all of your comments and prayers, but I have received them and adore you. The words “Thank you” don’t suffice.


For you.

I am so grateful.

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One thought on “A Raw Look At My Heart

  1. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, but I am so glad that our heavenly Father is there with you! I will continue to pray for your grandmother {& you!} ❤

I means so much to hear from you!

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