I lay in bed the night before my twenty-week ultrasound. Brent was propped up on his pillow reading a book. My mind was spinning in baby gender turmoil. I looked up to Brent…
“Are you a nervous wreck about tomorrow? I am just dying to know. Aren’t you?”
Without glancing away from his page, “I’m excited.”
“Oh, me too. I can’t wait. I really think its a girl.”
Brent was not playing my “wonder what we’re having game” again. I’m sure he was growing weary of its repetition.
I closed my eyes. “Lord. I’m a mess. Will you just tell me now? You have the power to confirm it in my spirit, right now. What am I having? Boy or girl? I could walk into that ultrasound tomorrow, already knowing the outcome. Please?”
I pause to listen.
“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.” Psalm 126:3
As clear as the day is long. That is what He said.
“Well, that could go either way!”
The next morning I lay on the table. Brent propped up beside my pillow. He held my hand.
One cold touch of that gel, monitor wand to the belly, and there it was. Instantly. The unmistakable boy part. I had seen it on that screen twice before.
But not of joy.
“But Lord? I asked you for a girl. Whole-heartily. As fervently as I have ever prayed, I begged you for a girl.”
“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.”
It took me a couple months to grieve the loss of that girl dream. To come to grips with the irreversible truth that no pink would grace my nursery wall. No lace would ruffle one pillow. No ribbons for hair. No little nails to polish. No ringlet curls to untangle. No princess nightgowns. No ballet lessons. No cheer camps. No shopping days with mom. No daddy dates with daughter. No prom dress shopping. I was never to be the mother-of-the-bride .
And it made me blue.
Let me be very clear. I did NOT grieve that I was having a boy.
I grieved that I wasn’t having a girl.
I was very thankful to have a perfectly healthy baby boy. Oh, my yes.
But my dream had died. And it was painful.
But in the months to follow the Lord revealed some harsh things laying dormant in my heart.
My dream of having a girl was rooted much deeper than a desire for sugar and spice.
I made the dream of a little girl IDOL.
This little girl would heal my wounds.
This little girl could reconcile the death of my mother.
This little girl could fill a void.
This little girl would soften the rowdiness of having boys.
This little girl…..
This little girl…..
A lot of pressure on a baby, yes?
But what I wanted her to do, only God could do.
He is my healer.
My void-filling Father.
His love reconciles.
His peace soften my home.
He is my Lord.
And He fills me with joy.
August 8, 2008 I gave birth to Luke Arden Crenshaw.
8-8-08 So sweet.
The day after he was born my father-in-law came into the hospital room. “I was curious to know what Luke 8:8 says in the Bible. So I looked it up.”
“What a great idea! What does it say?”
I flipped the pages to the Parable of the Sower.
A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock and when it came up the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and chocked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown. (v.8)
The seed is the word of God. The seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
Luke 8:4-8, 15
“Lord, I claim this over his life. Luke is good soil.”
When we brought Luke home from the hospital, we sat him in the living room floor, strapped in his car seat. He started to wail.
Grant came over to him and began to sing…
“Lukey, Lukey, Lukey!
Pookie, Pookie, Pookie!
Lukey, Lukey, Lukey, Luke!
And it stuck.
He is our little Pookie.
Every one’s special boy.
Oh, how the Lord has done a great thing.
He brings everyone joy.
Happy 2nd Birthday Little Lukey Pook! I am so thankful for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. I am so thankful for all your sillies and kisses. I am so thankful for your dancing rhythm, your uncanny balance and your love for board books! I am so thankful for God’s sovereignty and all-knowing omniscience. I am so thankful for my rowdy home full of dirty cleats, trucks, blocks, swords, soccer balls and matchbox cars. Thank you for knowing what is best for me, Lord. Thank you that you do great things and fill us with such joy.
“So here’s to a child who is joyful and clever. Happy Day. Happy Year. Happy Always and Ever.”
-Sandra Boynton, Happy Birthday Little Pookie.
oh, so cleverly put, dear one. and this baby!!! so precious!love you today…
i just sat here and cried like none other….becky i remember how you longed for that little girl that didnt exist….the Lord meets all our needs. i am so thankful for you!
love this. thanks for posting!! Happy birthday Lukeyy poookiee!!
awe, great post. Love you, Luke!
Great blog today Becky! From a mom of boys….I get it. Minus the pink… they are so great, we are just gonna have to pray that we can be great mother-in-laws to their wives & they want to stay close by!
Oh, I love your honesty! This was beautiful…tears still streaming down my face!